Residue

She wants me gone

2009-11-24T02:18:14Z

...I need to move. With every meal she makes and doesn't invite me to be a part of...with every reminder that she and Ward would actually rather I not be here.

With every time she doesn't ask what I did today.

She wants me gone. I will be soon.

Time, you harlot!

2009-10-24T19:15:22Z

While sifting through my livejournal, I noticed I had not posted an entertaining story in some time. After light deliberation, I thought that facebook could provide sufficient inspiration for a story about my life in the past few months.

Facebook is after all, the social networking site that not only jogs the mind's memory, but also serves to jolt it into more God fearing behavior (See "Photo's tagged of you" [which more aptly may be titled, "right before you passed out" or "that time you swore you would only have one shoot...and you lied to yourself"])

But I decided that facebook itself was funnier than any story I could rehash. Let it be known that I am an avid facebook addict; I figure it is better than heroin (mostly because facebook is cheaper). So, I am knowingly a pawn in the great game of social networking...but so are you, probably.....and my guess is that we both love it.

I mean, consider, where else can you upload hundreds of embarrassing photos of your friends to the interweb, "untag" yourself in the photos your friends uploaded of you, and pretend like you are fighting injustice through facebook petitions.

The good Lord has provided, and he has provided us with Facebook. Enjoy.

The It girl

2009-10-07T21:40:22Z

I was reflecting on my friendship with you
And I was thinking if you date him before I do
I’d find my heart withdrawn
A sign written out front that says
"Free to a good man, take it 'til it's gone."

I think these emotions are of no use
And I was thinking if you love him after I do
What I’d ask is don't get mad
I’ll look away when I see you
Well, it’s petty, but I won't bother you again.

My eyes might blur
My songs might sting
But I still love that we’re made from similar things.

Often I get anxious being here
Watching you and staring in the mirror
I recognize these cuts are clean
Its not you or him, but what lies between
my veins ooze and drip recurring themes.

My eyes might blur
My songs might sting
But I still love that we’re made from similar things.

And everything was glowing last night
I lost my malice, looked around
At everything reduced to areas of light
And you and I and him
And you and I and him.

My eyes might blur
My songs might sting
But I still love that we’re made from similar things

Reworked a song...this is it. Awesome.

Steve L. Howard, Jr.

2009-10-06T03:07:17Z

Steve L. Howard, Jr., 66, of 349 Lyman Lake Road, passed away at his home. He shot himself

A native of Greer, he was a son of Sarah King Howard of Greer and the late Steve L. Howard, Sr., and a U.S. Army veteran.

Surviving also are a daughter, April Burgess of St. Peters, Missouri and a brother, Frank Howard of Greer, S.C.

He was predeceased by a brother, David Howard.

Private family services will be held at a later date.

...A daughter, right. There was more than one...he just didn't bother telling his family about me. I was the lucky one of his daughters, though. He wasn't around long enough for him to fuck me up.

Steven Howard 1943-2009

2009-10-05T17:11:54Z

Hopefully the self-inflicted gun shoot wound provided him with the peace that drugs, alcohol, and his estranged daughter(s) could not.

Boys with guitars...

2009-09-28T19:17:22Z

Hrm. Unexpected development in my romantic life. For the first time in memory, I am simply going with the flow. It may be over in a week, but oddly enough, I am not worried about it either way.

It is just so, easy.

Get your shit together pt 1

2009-09-22T22:58:23Z

Health
-Quit drinking for a month at least
-Spend more time in the pool and on the bike
-Go to bed before 1:30 am every night
-Eat more raw veggies/fruit

Creative
-Spend an hour a day on art/song writing
-Encourage others to do the same

Professional/Financial
-Spend an hour a day on grant proposals
-Spend less than $30 a week on going out

residual_lines @ 2009-09-22T17:41:00

2009-09-22T22:44:01Z

For the past couple of weeks I have been trying to help two musicians (Dave Cattani and Eddie Buchanan) through the process of producing a live album and documenting it. For the most part I have stayed a bystander. Probably because I don’t feel it is my place to mold a creative endeavor between two people (and despite what they may say Eddie and Dave are probably glad I am keeping my nose out of it). Mostly because the differences in the way I would approach the project and they way it is currently approached are glaring; from vision and scope all the way to image projection.
For example, the thing about Eddy and Dave is that the way they see themselves is not how I see them. I suppose that is true for everyone, though, but that is a lengthy discussion for some other forum.

To be honest, I see the intent concentration of transposing, the mechanics of the bridge, and a dynamic between two friends. Not the images they necessarily want the rest of the world to see. Allyah and Virgina will capture that so much better than I will. I have noticed that the photos I take of them are completely different (and technically poorer) than those images captured by others. Below you will see why (even in the photo of dave that seems to be very similar to the one next to it) A photographer feeds off the way they see a subject. Most people/subjects try to project an image that photographers are skilled enough to capture. I am just enough of an ass to see them in a way they may not want anyone to notice (I am also around them enough that they don’t notice when I flip the camera out). So this will be fun.

"You've got it"

2009-08-20T21:19:50Z

I have stuck for nearly a year now. It has been one of the best years of my life, but it is time for me to move on. Last night at work, a guy and I started talking. He was in town for business and runs a regional company. He looks at me and says, "You've got it, you will be successful." It was exactly what I needed.

Cassandra

2009-08-05T19:34:30Z

...after tonight, no one will believe my prophesies.

Friendship

2009-07-27T09:04:20Z

Last night I found myself in the arms of friends; weeping, convulsing, unable to speak. I suppressed everything throughout the day, waiting for someone who would breach the levee in a single loving touch.

I had expected my boyfriend to be there, but I am morosely content that I didn't need him. I have friends that will always pleasantly surprise me when any others fail me. To my friends I owe much. They guard me against the cruelties of the world, and provide comfort amid unspoken torment. Through the years the cast has occasionally shifted but they all remain my patron saints of heartbreak.

I can only thank you all.

She didn't die alone

2009-07-26T02:00:24Z

There is a stillness in my grandmother's house that hasn't existed in weeks. The makeshift nurse corps of family has finally left the house my grandparents built; allowing it to groan, creak, and sag with the weight of death.

My grandfather is napping, my mother on the porch making calls to family friends.

I write in a full notebook meant to have been emptied with my grandmother's thoughts. It was to allow my grandmother to write the things she couldn't say. She wrote on all of two pages. The first was the call list my mother is currently occupied with. The second simply says what three rings her granddaughters are to receive. She leaves me with her wedding ring, but no last words. I imagine she figured she didn't need to keep a journal. See, words in my family aren't valued, only actions.

My only hope is that she knew that her actions were enough.

Grandmother passing

2009-07-17T17:27:31Z

The hardest part of all is watching the strongest woman I know shit herself.

White Phosphorous in Gaza

2009-04-17T04:32:33Z

The Geneva Treaty of 1980 stipulates that white phosphorus should not be used as a weapon of war in civilian areas.

...way to suck more Israel

Myspace

2009-01-14T17:24:01Z

I keep receiving friend requests from Mexican punk bands on Myspace. It really makes me miss the place.

...woof

2009-01-13T22:22:29Z

"You don't know where you will be in ten years." How right you were, but I would like to have some vague notion.

If I am supposed to have this job, I guess I will.

Appologies

2009-01-12T15:53:24Z

I walked into the Capitol, liquor bottles in hand and a red wine stain down my off-white pants. The bag with red wine broke in the parking garage...and the consequences of that were evident. I also happened to run into two people from Mizzou. Maybe they are right; maybe I do know a lot of folks.

I have a new years post ready, but written on paper. I will post it after the inauguration.

You are a cruel mistress

2009-01-03T05:40:25Z

Oh livejournal. It is time for our yearly reflect on the past/future year.

All, I have to say is that in the next few weeks I will have a better frame of reference for that entry.

...all I know is that it is nice in STC for the holidays.

Accidentally in Love is probably the song of the year...more on that later.

Sopena of Concience

2008-11-15T03:08:01Z

In front of me I had two options, SPIN magazine or Moyers on Democracy. I hoped for an early night, but I knew the moment I picked up Moyers I would be up for hours. Damn you Bill.

I think Bill Moyers most accurately understands why someone like me is drawn to politics, and why I maintain some faith in the governing system.

"We talk about problems, issues, policies, but we don't talk about what democracy means- what it bestows on us- the revolutionary idea that it isn't just about the means of governance but the means of dignifying people so they become fully free to claim their moral and political agency. "

What the hell have you been up to?

2008-11-11T20:56:32Z

So...this was the plan. Start in Morocco and wind around the Mediterranean, unfortunately, my savings is gone after crunching my mother's car, and I really want to find a job so I can move out of the house.

Most of my time this summer has been spent thusly:

I think that photo says a lot. I took it easy this summer...but at the same time I did not. As I told people on facebook, I went to Mexico for a bit, came back to the states to kayak, jumped on a bus and toured with a bunch of hippies, and returned to MO to manage a political campaign.

I am thinking about being a legislative aide for the political season. I would be around long enough to get things in order before joining the foreign service.

More on my crazy life later.

Slight Change of Plans

2008-10-01T15:59:09Z

After working on a political campaign and managing a tour, I don't know if I am entirely ready to settle into a career. While I know that it would please my mother, I think that it is instead time to travel...a lot. I am debt free out of college, which is something that few people can say.

That is, it is time to travel outside of Latin America. I know that wherever my career takes me, it will likely be in Latin America. But for now, I need to see some other stuff....I am working on planning a multiple month trip through Southern/Eastern Europe and Northern Africa.

If anyone wants to join me on a leg of it, just say the word.
Now, I need to figure out how much I need to save.

Maps and budget forthcoming.

Sureal experience # 850 for the year

2008-09-06T02:31:15Z

As I sit in the St. Louis metro area's republican head quarters at 9:29 on a Friday, I thought I should note that it is surreal experience number 850 for the year.

Planning the tomorrows course of action.

.....ehhhh

2008-09-05T00:12:01Z

give me a break, with this heart ache, I doubt it will make it through till tomorrow. It's bogged down with sorrow and guilt and it's built on these stilts which wobble 5 feet and 3 inches high

you ask me why i'm this way and all i can say is i've gone through my fair share of shit and you want all i've got so we'll give it a shot i just hope you don't regret it

I'm unimpressed, think it's best if we give it a rest
I'm so tired I can't stand for fear i will land on my ass, let time pass, this can't last, cause i'm just barely getting by

you ask me why i'm this way and all i can say is i've got nothing to hide behind
no excuses to confuse this
guess everyone looses but it's better than living a lie

you ask me why i'm this way and all i can say is i've gone through my fair share of shit and you want all 've got so we'll give it a shot i just bet you'll regret it

(i wont change my mind, we've run out of time)

Say what you mean to say

2008-08-31T04:42:58Z

You really can't go home again. Well, perhaps, I should say you can't go to Columbia again. I visited the town to see Hoochfest and some former residents, and while they didn't know it...I kept feeling as if I didn't belong in CoMO. I still knew about half the town, and was always greeted warmly, but I am no longer a part of it. I figured it would be hard leave it after visiting, but it wasn't at all. And that may have been the most unsettling part.

So here I sit, running a political campaign for state representative, watching my grandmother die, and peer out over a bulleted to do list that is 40 points long.

Summer is over.

...but it is all surprisingly ok.

Finally, I have come to accept one last thing. When I asked Scott Ritter if he had any advice for me as I began embarking on an international water policy career, he told me, "You will not be where you think you will be in ten years." At the time I was not comfortable with that statement...but for some reason I have accepted it now.

I wonder what the next ten years holds

Stuff White People Like

2008-08-03T02:54:02Z

Taken from www.stuffwhitepeoplelike.com

Now, I realize all these years of bangs, have been an effort to make other white people like me.

"If you see a white woman and you are trying to figure out whether she is liked or just merely tolerated by white people, the best thing you can do is get a quick look at her haircut. It is a known fact that white people love women who wear their hair with bangs that hang straight down.

A number of very popular white women have worn this hairstyle including Joni Mitchell, Jane Birkin, Jenny Lewis and every girl ever photographed by Vice Magazine or the Cobrasnake. (Note: it is a good idea to familiarize yourself with these two things as they are both beloved by cool white people. Follow up note: these same things are hated by cooler white people).

Many people associate this type of haircut with children and people looking for the most efficient way to get hair out of their eyes. But for white people, this simple haircut makes a bold declaration by saying that the wearer is artistic, deep, and has probably dated a guy in a band you like. Of course, as with many things loved by white people, simple often means expensive and these haircuts usually cost upwards of $100.

It is essential for you to know this haircut is more than a mere fashion statement– it is an important cultural marking. Throughout the world, many cultures feature ceremonies to announce that a girl has become a woman. For white people, the haircut-with-bangs is an important symbol that a female has completed her transformation from a nerdy girl to a cool woman. In fact, if you went to high school with a nerdy white girl who moved to a big city, there is a good chance she will show up to your high school reunion with this haircut.

When you are introduced to a group of white people, it’s a good idea to befriend the girl with the bangs. She’s probably the most popular."