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"I told you months ago to get a job..." [04 Mar 2010|04:42pm]
"I don't know what you are afraid of..."

Thanks mom. Thanks. This, on the day that I cleaned the kitchen, did some dishes, and started cleaning up her tomato garden. I feel like it doesn't matter if I do the nice things anymore. It doesn't matter that I keep my shit in my room now. That I try to take good care of our dying dog. It doesn't matter if I try and cook or do whatever laundry is around the house. You think your boyfriend was the one doing dishes, laundry, or sweeping? It doesn't matter that I clean up whatever she asks me to... I am just a lazy fuck up.

And here is why!

In October things at the Millstream started slowing down....money started to get a little tight. It was alright, because I paid my cell phone bill through Dec, and dipped into what little savings I had. In the mean time, I was looking for jobs...

From Sept-Dec. I applied for the following:
Working in Bolivia on Water rights (I lost my contact...nothing about the work seemed clear enough to continue down the path my other contact didn't seemed organized enough to make it happen)
Environment America (....not the place for me)
Analyst Position: Investment Implications of Water Scarcity (world resources institute)
American Water (compliance)
Fisheries Policy (NOAA)

Sent letter of inquiries to the following:
Monsanto Public Affairs Internship (only for current students)
MDC and DNR (they are in the process of terminating 10% of their workforce)
Carnahan Campaign
International Action Network internship

Ok, so nothing panned out. That blows, time to pick up the pace. I understand that.
In January my mom told me to become a substitute teacher. Ok, I respect that, she has been taking great care of me for more than 24 years--if she wants me to sub, I will do it. She even loaned me the $50 to get finger printed. By end of January, I had gotten my finger printing done and filled out all the paperwork. It took till mid-Feb for the sub finder to have an appointment open for me. While there she told me I needed official transcripts before I could sub. Ok, I got those around Feb 19th after doing the paperwork. Oh shit, then a Foreign Service Exam comes along (in addition to all the other things I have been working on)
Now, I should have gotten my transcripts in sooner. But that doesn't mean that I have not been working my fucking ass off to get a job...and it bums me out when I know that my mom thinks I am a lazy fuck.

Here is a list of everything I have applied for in 2010 (that is two months and a week).
Boeing Trade Control Specialist 1/2
Dept. of Energy Entry Public Affairs
Foreign Service Officer
Substitute Teacher
GRNSS Outdoor education
DIA Entry Analyst
Boeing Trade Control Specialist 3
USDA Position: International Trade Specialist, GS-1140-9/12

In nine weeks, I have applied for eight positions. One of those positions, I had to study for the test. The other ones, I had massive application packets which included several complete re-writes of my resume, several essays, and multiple contacts for references. Lets also mention the time to find positions to apply for, and I also wrote two science Olympiad events, and judged one of them. Volunteered ~3 hours a week of my time for Centro Latino, worked a shift or two a week at Millstream.

Throughout most of this year, she has been really rad...but in the back of her mind I am just lazy. I am sorry that unemployment is 10%, and in 1978 that it was HALF that (down to 4.2% at some points that year). These aren't the days of sending out a resume and a cover letter, these are the days of computer scanned resumes, multiple forms, and essays. These are the days that more qualified people than I don't have work.

All things considered, I am amazed that I am not more discouraged. I have only had an interview (phone) for one of those positions. ONE. That was in November. You think that if I get 3 applications out a week that they would increase in quality? That I would get more interviews? I don't.
I need to be meticulous. I need to go through three drafts of everything...this is a job application. I am sorry, but I am doing the best I know how to do.
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I feel stuck [30 Jan 2010|02:29pm]
I have been presented a problem with no clear solutions. I hate that...I feel lost and fairly down about it. I have been on my best behavior and yet, I still manage to offend. This never happens to me. I have no answers....I am asked to do two things that are mutually exclusive. WTF?
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[17 Jan 2010|02:47pm]
ColorCombos.com Combo
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Time for a new years post [02 Jan 2010|11:34am]
2009. It ended in a marvelous, musical house party among my favorite people while I suffered the pain of a urinary tract infection. (Or as I like to think of it, the 'Dance Dance, Pee Pee Party') Fairly good allegory for the year. In my personal life, I feel as though I've had a breakthrough of sorts. I have learned what it means to truly, deeply love in a romantic sense. Surprising right? Also, I have started to embrace the idea that I may be more than just smart...I may even be pretty. What is this? A comfort in my own skin that I've never really known? The future is done scaring me, I will take it as it comes and I figure it will all come at some point. That alone is reason to dance.

At the same time, there is the burning sensation of professional failure. I have gotten no where in my job search this year. And I really have tried hard...that is the sting in my urine flow. At the same time, there is also the pain of losing my beloved grandmother, and the confusion of emotion following my father's suicide. I suppose no one would blame me if I considered '09 an awful year because of those things...but it truly didn't feel intensely bad.

Now for the clean up of the house (which my friends helped with immensely) and the clean up of 2009 (which my friends and family are also helping immensely). It is a lot like cleaning the liquor bottles that littered the house...only it smells more like hope than stale beer.

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She wants me gone [23 Nov 2009|08:18pm]
...I need to move. With every meal she makes and doesn't invite me to be a part of...with every reminder that she and Ward would actually rather I not be here.

With every time she doesn't ask what I did today.

She wants me gone. I will be soon.
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Time, you harlot! [24 Oct 2009|01:13pm]
While sifting through my livejournal, I noticed I had not posted an entertaining story in some time. After light deliberation, I thought that facebook could provide sufficient inspiration for a story about my life in the past few months.

Facebook is after all, the social networking site that not only jogs the mind's memory, but also serves to jolt it into more God fearing behavior (See "Photo's tagged of you" [which more aptly may be titled, "right before you passed out" or "that time you swore you would only have one shoot...and you lied to yourself"])

But I decided that facebook itself was funnier than any story I could rehash. Let it be known that I am an avid facebook addict; I figure it is better than heroin (mostly because facebook is cheaper). So, I am knowingly a pawn in the great game of social networking...but so are you, probably.....and my guess is that we both love it.

I mean, consider, where else can you upload hundreds of embarrassing photos of your friends to the interweb, "untag" yourself in the photos your friends uploaded of you, and pretend like you are fighting injustice through facebook petitions.

The good Lord has provided, and he has provided us with Facebook. Enjoy.
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The It girl [07 Oct 2009|04:39pm]
I was reflecting on my friendship with you
And I was thinking if you date him before I do
I’d find my heart withdrawn
A sign written out front that says
"Free to a good man, take it 'til it's gone."

I think these emotions are of no use
And I was thinking if you love him after I do
What I’d ask is don't get mad
I’ll look away when I see you
Well, it’s petty, but I won't bother you again.

My eyes might blur
My songs might sting
But I still love that we’re made from similar things.

Often I get anxious being here
Watching you and staring in the mirror
I recognize these cuts are clean
Its not you or him, but what lies between
my veins ooze and drip recurring themes.

My eyes might blur
My songs might sting
But I still love that we’re made from similar things.

And everything was glowing last night
I lost my malice, looked around
At everything reduced to areas of light
And you and I and him
And you and I and him.

My eyes might blur
My songs might sting
But I still love that we’re made from similar things

Reworked a song...this is it. Awesome.
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Steve L. Howard, Jr. [05 Oct 2009|09:59pm]
Steve L. Howard, Jr., 66, of 349 Lyman Lake Road, passed away at his home. He shot himself

A native of Greer, he was a son of Sarah King Howard of Greer and the late Steve L. Howard, Sr., and a U.S. Army veteran.

Surviving also are a daughter, April Burgess of St. Peters, Missouri and a brother, Frank Howard of Greer, S.C.

He was predeceased by a brother, David Howard.

Private family services will be held at a later date.

...A daughter, right. There was more than one...he just didn't bother telling his family about me. I was the lucky one of his daughters, though. He wasn't around long enough for him to fuck me up.
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Steven Howard 1943-2009 [05 Oct 2009|12:08pm]
Hopefully the self-inflicted gun shoot wound provided him with the peace that drugs, alcohol, and his estranged daughter(s) could not.
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Boys with guitars... [28 Sep 2009|02:07pm]
Hrm. Unexpected development in my romantic life. For the first time in memory, I am simply going with the flow. It may be over in a week, but oddly enough, I am not worried about it either way.

It is just so, easy.
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Get your shit together pt 1 [22 Sep 2009|05:48pm]
-Quit drinking for a month at least
-Spend more time in the pool and on the bike
-Go to bed before 1:30 am every night
-Eat more raw veggies/fruit

-Spend an hour a day on art/song writing
-Encourage others to do the same

-Spend an hour a day on grant proposals
-Spend less than $30 a week on going out
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[22 Sep 2009|05:41pm]
For the past couple of weeks I have been trying to help two musicians (Dave Cattani and Eddie Buchanan) through the process of producing a live album and documenting it. For the most part I have stayed a bystander. Probably because I don’t feel it is my place to mold a creative endeavor between two people (and despite what they may say Eddie and Dave are probably glad I am keeping my nose out of it). Mostly because the differences in the way I would approach the project and they way it is currently approached are glaring; from vision and scope all the way to image projection.
For example, the thing about Eddy and Dave is that the way they see themselves is not how I see them. I suppose that is true for everyone, though, but that is a lengthy discussion for some other forum.

To be honest, I see the intent concentration of transposing, the mechanics of the bridge, and a dynamic between two friends. Not the images they necessarily want the rest of the world to see. Allyah and Virgina will capture that so much better than I will. I have noticed that the photos I take of them are completely different (and technically poorer) than those images captured by others. Below you will see why (even in the photo of dave that seems to be very similar to the one next to it) A photographer feeds off the way they see a subject. Most people/subjects try to project an image that photographers are skilled enough to capture. I am just enough of an ass to see them in a way they may not want anyone to notice (I am also around them enough that they don’t notice when I flip the camera out). So this will be fun.

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"You've got it" [20 Aug 2009|04:00pm]
I have stuck for nearly a year now.  It has been one of the best years of my life, but it is time for me to move on.  Last night at work, a guy and I started talking.   He was in town for business and runs a regional company.  He looks at me and says, "You've got it, you will be successful."  It was exactly what I needed.  
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Cassandra [05 Aug 2009|02:33pm]
...after tonight, no one will believe my prophesies.
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Friendship [27 Jul 2009|03:36am]
Last night I found myself in the arms of friends; weeping, convulsing, unable to speak. I suppressed everything throughout the day, waiting for someone who would breach the levee in a single loving touch.

I had expected my boyfriend to be there, but I am morosely content that I didn't need him. I have friends that will always pleasantly surprise me when any others fail me. To my friends I owe much. They guard me against the cruelties of the world, and provide comfort amid unspoken torment. Through the years the cast has occasionally shifted but they all remain my patron saints of heartbreak.

I can only thank you all.
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She didn't die alone [25 Jul 2009|08:51pm]
There is a stillness in my grandmother's house that hasn't existed in weeks. The makeshift nurse corps of family has finally left the house my grandparents built; allowing it to groan, creak, and sag with the weight of death.

My grandfather is napping, my mother on the porch making calls to family friends.

I write in a full notebook meant to have been emptied with my grandmother's thoughts. It was to allow my grandmother to write the things she couldn't say. She wrote on all of two pages. The first was the call list my mother is currently occupied with. The second simply says what three rings her granddaughters are to receive. She leaves me with her wedding ring, but no last words. I imagine she figured she didn't need to keep a journal. See, words in my family aren't valued, only actions.

My only hope is that she knew that her actions were enough.
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Grandmother passing [17 Jul 2009|12:26pm]
The hardest part of all is watching the strongest woman I know shit herself.
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White Phosphorous in Gaza [16 Apr 2009|11:27pm]

The Geneva Treaty of 1980 stipulates that white phosphorus should not be used as a weapon of war in civilian areas.

...way to suck more Israel
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Myspace [14 Jan 2009|11:23am]
I keep receiving friend requests from Mexican punk bands on Myspace. It really makes me miss the place.
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...woof [13 Jan 2009|04:20pm]
"You don't know where you will be in ten years." How right you were, but I would like to have some vague notion.

If I am supposed to have this job, I guess I will.
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